Please Don't Hit Me Anymore
I remember a time as a child when things were very different than they are now. I didn't realize it then, but as I sat in my room, I was staring into a puzzle box, looking over all the disconnected pieces that would become my life.
"Once again I am grounded to my room. It sure seems like I spend a lot of time in here. If only I would stay out of trouble for once in my life. But I'm not very smart; at least that's what I've been told all my life. I am so tired of always being afraid, I'm only twelve years old.
Somtimes I think I've cried all the tears I have. All I want is for someone to love me. I feel so alone and there's so much pain. When is it all going to end? I feel sometimes like taking my own life. I wish I would grow up fast so I could move out of here. When my mom tells me she wants to give me up for adoption, I wish she would do it. Maybe then I could be a kid and not have to do chores all the time. Also, I wouldn't have to clean up after my brothers. I get tired of my brothers blaming me for stuff and then I get beat for it. I don't understand why they get away with everything. Why doesn't my mom love me like she does them? Like the time my brother got hit in the head with the garage door and mom said why wasn't it me that got hit. That really hurt me, like all the other things that are said to me. What I hate hearing most is when I'm told to go to hell. I want so bad to have my moms love and not to be told what a bad kid I am. Just to be able to give mom a kiss without her turning would feel good. I don't like going to bed and crying on my pillow.
Mom, please don't pull my hair anymore or give me any more bruises to try to hide. God, if you're out their, please take me away from here. I'm so tired of being scared all the time. I don't know how much more I can take, I just want to die. Oh no, here she comes screaming at me, what have I done now. Someone please help me..."
That someone was Jesus who took all our physical and mental pain on the cross. Of course, when I was a child I didn't know that, I only see that now. I don't know why I had to go through a child-hood of pain and hurt but I thank God that I didn't take my own life! I've carried a lot of negative baggage with me throughout my adult life. With God's help I've been able to get past some of the pain brought on by being abused. But I think I will always carry some scars with me until I am home with my Father.
I feel that being abused while growing up has an impact on how you love others and recieve love from others. I struggle so much with that even now, I feel sometimes like I am an unfeeling person. I sometimes feel like that scared little girl I once was and I know I need God to heal my broken heart. He has helped me see that I am not that little girl and that He loves me no matter what. I feel He was right their with me through the beatings and name calling and felt the pain too.
I see that now, but as a little girl I was scared of God and thought He would do the same to me as my mom did. I have really tried to have a good relationship with my mom but I have a hard time feeling any love for her. That is so sad for me to feel that way, especially now that she is in her seventies. How will I feel when she passes away and I have not loved her? How can I change how I feel towards her? God has delivered me from things and helped me change but this one I am still waiting for Him to help me with. Will it be on her death bed? Will it ever happen? Will I ever feel the love of a mother? Will I ever be free of the memories of being hit or the stinging words sent my way? Will I ever feel like I am worth loving? Will the tears ever stop flowing for that girl who felt so worthless?
That little girl is gone and what is left is me, grown up and still battered and bruised on the inside. God can and will take me to the place I need to be to be whole. It has been like putting a puzzle together, I am the puzzle and God is putting me together piece by piece. I will be finished one day and it will be the most beautiful puzzle.